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Hey, everybody! I have to commend the `zine and its writers for just starting up. I would add my two cents, but I don't want to be broke again. So here goes...
Have you ever met a guy with so much hatred stored inside a tiny sphere within his pancreas? Sure you have. I was one of them, until this `zine came out. Don't worry, they're not lingering hatreds, rather, to me, they're just tiny little discrepancies. Believe it or not, I hate stuff too. A lot of bad stuff. Not just Nintendo. So much stuff, in fact, that I can't even fit it all into one article. As I filled my soul full of hatred to write this, however, I found that at least half of it was directed towards those bothersome little things on television. As a result, and fortunately for all of you, I'll devote this time to goin' down the tube.
For starters, I am consistently irked by the changes that have been made on TV recently. It's unfortunate to see Spiderman go, but I hate how they scheduled it on the weekdays before it eventually got stabbed in the back. It was those terrible god-forsaken Beetleborgs who screwed it all up, messing up Spiderman and making Power Rangers compete with ThunderCats ... when victory clearly belongs to Thundercats... ho! I liked the Power Rangers once, but now I don't even know who these new scrubs are! Where's Tommy and his dominatrix Catherine, and why the heck is there a five-year-old Power Ranger?
Speaking of new scrubs... what's going on at MTV? With the exception of the playette-deprived Bill Bellamy, I can't tell the difference between MTV and MuchMusic anymore. But let's hand it to MTV, at least now they're trying to give its audience what it wants. Why, I heard that they showed five videos last month! I was astounded! Sticking to basic cable... I can't stand certain aspects of Comedy Central's "Make Me Laugh," like its aimless theme song, and especially its new host, Mark Cohen. I don't know, he just seems like the most evil car salesman in the world.
Now it's time to denounce America's real favorite pastime, Jerry Springer. I'll never forget that horrible memory... watching helplessly during school as several of my Spanish III classmates glued themselves to Springer, sharing deep concern for the eminently pivotal issue affecting our nation today: transsexual transvestites whose mutant bat mistresses dumped them for necrophiliac college professors in Kennebunkport, Maine! At this point, I don't want to hear anymore about which of these Love Canal freaks is Big Shane or Little Shane. I concluded that while South Park is more socially relevant, Springer is a great cost-efficient alternative to those pesky Jackie Chan movies. Nevertheless, exploitation of misery is rather pathetic, and more so is America's collective enjoyment of misery. If only VCRs were used for good instead of for evil.
As much as I hate that, words cannot describe how much I, uh, dislike Merv Griffin Enterprises, you know, the company responsible for "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy!" Now, we know "Wheel of Fortune" as the show whose contestants can easily be outsmarted by the rancid fungus between your toes. But, let's not think about that. Let's think about Jeopardy!, and how it blatantly ignored my talent and thus utterly crushed my dreams and hopes that somebody, from somewhere other than the Governor's School, could make it out there in this crazy world, how it left my soul to waste away in the cesspool of academic obscurity, how it destroyed any hope of annihilating any memory of that "other" Richmond Jeopardy girl and her amazing lucky streak, and, as a result, meeting America's favorite journalist, Craig Kilborn, - Yes! - let's think of the thousands of dollars, the Dodge Viper, the 15 minutes of fame, and how this group of malevolent, inhumane, scrawny quiz show demonspawn - who, by the way, can go back to hell - denied me of all that which I truly deserved, and instead cursed me to an pathetic attempt, trapped, all alone in a chasm of despair, of desperately trying to achieve what little glory I can through an entire weekend of incessantly playing Sonic & Knuckles...
Uh, oh yeah, huh-huh. Finally, if I ever saw a CBS executive, secretary, or even a janitor who worked in the building or whatever, I would raise my hand, flip my sixth most hate-filled middle finger ever at them, and say, "Welcome home this!" No, it's not about CBS's devotion to old fogis, or Fran Drescher's annoying shriek. Heck, it's, uh, great that they passed on using their massive fortune to end world hunger in favor of buying back football from NBC. At least the Bloodshot Eye tried to help save us from a "hip", bright, trendy world ruled by a giant peacock, laden with Soup Nazis and Jennifer Aniston clones.
Actually, CBS is home to the sorcerers who lured The State to Channel 6(-6-6), promising the multi-talented ensemble with long-lasting network stardom, and sufficiently ending their careers, at least as Doug, Barry, and Louie, and the gang. I know of only three people, including myself, who saw the otherwise spectacular 43rd Halloween Special. Great advertising technique, huh? I'm sure the homies watching Dr. Quinn would be psyched about a rowdy bunch of young-uns acting like dang ol'hooligans. (I don't watch CBS so I don't know what I'm talking about.) Viva Variety is a "groovy" show, but it's just that, it's not the same funk pudding that Barry and LeVon use to dip their <butts> into.
That's all from TV Land. Actually, I'm not doing as much of my usual recreation as I use to do in the past. Perhaps it was the several hours of Resident Evil and lack of enjoyment from just watching any old thing. I've avoided these pesky phenomena by taking TV in moderation. Let me see... a few sketch comedy shows here and there, news from the Daily, and of course, Fox on Sunday nights. Even the X-Files, despite the fact that it freaks me out for the exact same reason each week, in the weirdest way imaginable. And that reason?
Yep, you guessed it. Frank Stallone. Yeah, I know. It's not the same without Norm, is it?